I think it is important to start this by stating the obvious. The Church has failed. Beyond that, the Church has truly been reprehensible. This blog is by no means an attempt to argue otherwise. This is not a time to defend the Church or call people's attention to the good that the Church has done and does do. This is a time to point out that the Church has failed in ways that are beyond my imagining. I've read the accounts of survivors of the Churches atrocities. I've spent countless hours reading them, I've spent countless hours thinking about them. I've lost sleep. And yet still I stay.
This blog is a reflection on the question of how I could possibly stay a part of an organization that has done so much evil all while claiming to be an institution not only for good but for salvation? This is not the first time I've asked myself this question and I am certain it won't be the last time I find myself asking it in the years or even weeks to come.
Ever since August, this question has been scratching away at the back of my mind. If you read my last post from September I think you can see this question present there. I'd love nothing more than to be able to say that I stay in the Church because of the Eucharist. I'd love to be able to say that participation in this most awe-inspiring Sacrament that the reception of the Body and Blood of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is the reason I stay in the Church. However, the simple reality is that this is not the sole reason for my staying. It's never going to be the answer that first comes to mind in a most satisfying way. Similarly, I'd like to say that it is the long and rich history that the Church has that keeps me as a part of the institution. Again this is not the case. Please don't read this the wrong way. These are both deeply important to me and occupy a place of importance in my life. Yet they are not enough.
These things that in the face of sexual abuse become seemingly trivial are not the reason I remain Catholic.
So the question that remains is what is the reason I stay Catholic. Is it simply the fact that I've been Catholic my whole life and I'm not willing, courageous, or brazen enough to leave? Is it because I spent six years earning two degrees in the field of theology that I stay? Very happily I'm glad to say these are not the reasons. So what is it?
What could possibly convince me to stay, not only a part but a fairly active and involved part of this institution that has given hundreds of thousands of peoples more reasons than necessary to leave and not just leave, but deeply and passionately, hate the Church? Reasons that I might point out are completely sound and valid.
So what the fuck am I doing? How can I willingly participate in an institution that has failed so miserably it has done the exact opposite of what it was intended and professes to do?
The answer to this has not been easy to come by. At least the simple and feeble attempt at articulating the reason in a concise and authentic way was not something that I could simply logic out.
One of the first glimpses of hope in being able to articulate my answer was found when reading Pope Francis's book The Name of God is Mercy specifically the following passage, "The Church does not exist to condemn people but to bring about an encounter with the visceral love of God's mercy. I often say that in order for this to happen, it is necessary to go out: to go out from the church and the parishes, to go outside and look for people where they live, where they suffer, and where they hope" (52). The last part of this is what spoke to me the most. Where they live, suffer, and hope. As I read this I thought aloud to myself. These are things we do where we are most comfortable, and sometimes that means we do them within the church as well as outside the church.
The second bit of inspiration that helped me in begging to write this blog was remembering a song I'd not listened to in ages. While I cannot remember exactly what it was, there was a moment today where I heard something and it made me think of the song Homeward Bound (Listen Here). This isn't the popular Simon and Garfunkel song, but I assure you I think it is well worth your time to listen.
Now for whatever reason, this song speaks to me, I truly do just love it. From the lyrics to the calm feeling that rushes over me when I hear it I like the song. As I thought about that I realized how odd it may be to others that I like this song. Specifically, I thought about how there are those who would ridicule me for liking the song. That is the thought that led to the simplest, dumbest, yet most profound answer I've come to grips with as to why I stay.
When I have most needed it, the Church has been a place for me to call home. It has been a place that has not judged me for liking the odd music I like. It has not judged me for the way that I articulate things including my repeated use of articulate. As a part of the Church, I have never had to defend myself.
Now as a straight, white, cisgender male this is perhaps one of the most privileged statements I could make. And I know my recognizing that is only a first step. But I also know that the Church has not been a place to call home for many people. However, it is my hope that by staying, by remaining a part of this broken institution that has failed in so many ways I might be able to make the necessary changes within the Church to ensure that moving forward it is a place to call home for those who have been marginalized (including those who have previously been marginalized by the Church).
This may be selfish, this may be shallow, it may even be arrogant, but for now, it is the only way I can make sense of why I am willing to stay. I know this really might not answer the root question, it may not be a sufficient enough answer, but for now, it's what I'm able to articulate about my experience and how I feel in this moment while listening to Homeward Bound for the hundredth time today.
Peace and Blessings Always
~M
