I Want to See Mountains Again

Anytime I travel by airplane I think about the opening scene of the film Love Actually (Click here for Clip) where they talk about the beauty of airport arrivals showing loved ones reconnecting after who knows how long. Perhaps most fittingly on this trip, I think about the notion of love being all around us because I am traveling after being at a dear friends wedding. A wedding at the Red Butte Gardens (Click here to see their website), a beautiful venue that gave me insights I never realized I was lacking. However seeing the sunset behind the mountains bathing the horizon in a pinkish gold I began to understand even more that not only was I surrounded by love, but by immense beauty as well.

While I truly love to travel I am also a massive homebody and find myself increasingly introverted and more specifically introspective when traveling. From sitting at the airport to the flight, the Uber rides, and aimlessly wandering I find myself to be far more contemplative in these moments than I typically am in my everyday life. When the trip includes Mountains I find myself to be even more struck by the wonder and awe that surrounds me. As I sat eating lunch in the Salt Lake City International Airport I had a beautiful view of the mountain range that Salt Lake as a city hugs (See photo below, thanks to United/Dan Ingram for letting me fly the friendly skies).

Having arrived very late in the evening Friday to Salt Lake I didn't fully understand the immense and as my Uber driver described it "undeniable" beauty of the city. It wasn't until I was in the light of day Saturday that I truly began to comprehend where it was that I found myself.

Now naturally in true nerd fashion Anytime I spent time simply sitting gazing at the mountains I could hear nothing but Bilbo Baggins voice in my head saying "I want to see mountains again, mountains Gandalf!" (Click Here for Clip) more and more I find myself relating to Bilbo more and more... perhaps 26 is the new 111.

Even more truly in nerd fashion, last nights wedding reception afforded me the opportunity to catch up with a grad school friend I had not seen since grad school. Having been separated for years now we took the opportunity to take a deep dive into some of our latest and greatest theological thoughts and insights (some may call heresies). Specifically, I recall us talking about the closeness of God and how we as humans created in the image and likeness of God, bearing an imprint of the creator on our souls could not possible physically distance ourselves from God. Yet at the same time, it is very possible for us to distance ourselves from God. In failing to recognize the love and beauty that is around us and within us it becomes at times natural to distance ourselves from God, yes I know how cliche and cheesy religious hopeful that sounded... I almost vomited a little when I wrote it, even so, I actually do believe it.

I believe it because the love and beauty don't have to be the touchy-feely hallmark love and beauty. Whenever traveling or finding myself with extended amounts of free time I tend to fill it by listening to podcasts. Today I was still reflecting on the above conversation when listening to a podcast that referenced and played a clip of Chopin's Prelude in E Minor (Click Here). The podcast commented on how it is exceptionally sad. One of the hosts of the podcast sad incredibly sad yet hopeful and the other retorted and said no it's not all that hopeful at all. In hearing that I thought to myself yes it is incredibly sad and no it's not hopeful, because it doesn't have to be. Even in its sadness, it is truly exceptionally beautiful.

While some may find it difficult to believe the song is both sad and beautiful at the same time, I welcome the complexity of such a belief. Just as I welcome the complex reality that while God may never be far I may still create distance.


Peace and Blessings Always
~M

Blessings

Earlier today I was talking about a program that provides middle school students with food to take home at the end of the day. The program is called Backpack Blessings. With this being at a public school, I paused and wondered if this were not inappropriate and a subtle form of proselytization upon unaware younglings. I was of course quickly reminded that the students needed food and were getting food so I shouldn't spend too much time being bothered by the name seeing as it would seem they picked the name based on the alliteration... A writing tool I find at times captivating and in other instances tremendously lazy. 

(If anyone wonders why I'm such a strong supporter of keeping things such as prayer out of public schools I'll let you read what my friend Toby had to say about this, Click Here).

As I continued to think however I began to wonder if I didn't also have an issue with the use of the term blessing in this instance altogether. Should the charity of others be considered a blessing? With this question on my mind, I went to my office on a Friday night to begin looking for a definition of the term blessing. 

It was then that I was easily able to find and understand a bit more why I may have had pause in this casual, alliterative, lazy use of the term blessing. First I checked the YOUCAT and found the following, "a blessing is something that comes from God (Latin benedicere; Greek eu-logein = to call good); to bless is a divine, life-giving, and life-preserving action." 

While I found this to be a good starting point, I was not satisfied. So naturally, I turned to the actual Catechism of the Catholic Church for what I hoped to be a more detailed definition. "A blessing or benediction is a prayer invoking God’s power and care upon some person, place, or undertaking. The prayer of benediction acknowledges God as the source of all blessing. Some blessings confer a permanent status: consecration of persons to God, or setting things apart for liturgical usage." 

Here again, I found this to be more detailed and certainly more in-depth, but I did not find satisfaction. 

What I did come to realize is how limited my view on blessings had become. In part, because I grew up with these definitions defining not only what I believed, but what most of those around me knew. A blessing is from God and we are lucky and should thank God if we find ourselves in his good graces. 

Yet what if we took the term blessing and removed the religious implications? Yes, I understand that in doing this I want to completely change the meaning of the word from its origins to mean something else and perhaps I should simply look to use a different word, but instead I've decided to try and craft my own definition of the term. 

I would like to propose that we give the term freedom to mean any type of favor, kindness, charity, and/or love that is shown. In this way, I hope that we can recognize one another as blessings ourselves to one another, as well as recognizing our actions of love and kindness toward one another as kindness. Now perhaps what I'm suggesting is simply a realization or recognition of the divine, the imago Dei, or image of God within all of us that was imprinted upon us and within us by the creator... Which of course I think is true, but perhaps for now on this Friday evening I can keep things a bit more simplified and just leave you all with a blessing of brevity. 

I am curious how you might define blessing.

Peace and Blessings Always

~M

A favorite image of mine just for fun

Why I Personally go to Mass

Yesterday was the feast of St. Dominic, working at a Catholic Dominican college means we not only had a lovely mass, but also a delicious feast day feast. In all honestly, it's been awhile since I'd been to mass on campus. In part because of complicated schedules and in part because I've been pretty pissed at the church lately and haven't made mass attendance a priority. However, as I sat in the pew, listened to the music, sang along to some of the songs, heard scripture, and reflected during the homily I was surprised by the experience of both great calm and motivation. As I was able to sit in the pew I was able to simply sit and relax. Much of the time was spent thinking about a number of non-mass related realities.

Yet after mass I left feeling refreshed and recharged. The reality for me is that I don't often enough take this time in my life to sit and simply be. Sure I take plenty of time to watch movies and Netflix, spend time with friends talking, and every couple weeks find time for catching up on sleep, but I know these moments of relaxation just aren't the same. From the music, the space itself, and the subject matter mass for me becomes a space for relaxing and recharging and honestly that's why I go. That's why I need to recommit to taking time to go to mass.

There is nothing profound about this. There is nothing overly special or insightful about this, I really don't know why I'm writing this as a blog post, perhaps I just needed to share it in a way that was indirect, perhaps these words will help someone else find their way to realizing why they go to mass.

A Millennial Obsession with Lent

After weeks (possibly months) of trying to find a time to get lunch my friend David and I were finally able to share a meal together this past Thursday.

Having nearly forgotten why we were planning to get lunch in the first place, we simply let the natural progression of conversation take its course. This naturally took us down the path of talking about all matter of Catholic things. It all started however with David saying he had a thought earlier that week and wondered if I might have anything to say or write about the matter.

Seeing as I always have an opinion on practically everything, I did, in fact, have a thought on the matter. However, before this lunch never would have thought about writing about it. So as they say this one's for you David.

The topic was the fact that there seems to be a substantial Millennial obsession with the Lenten season. That preparatory time for Catholics and many/most Christians from Ash Wednesday (or Fat Tuesday) until Easter.

I was naturally inclined to wave my arms through the air and say "but of course Millennial's are obsessed with Lent, however, it has less to do with their being Millennial's and far more to do with the fact of how old the millennials are." David sat patiently and listened as I explained this theory of how Millennial's seemed to be obsessed with Lent because it is a new and exciting practice that they are participating in for the first time as young adults living their own lives. Having less to do with anything other than that they seem to be the right age for the season to have a more outwardly significant value. Older folks simply live their Lenten practices as a part of their daily Lenten existence having formed a deep and lasting relationship with the liturgical season. Young children are first learning about it and struggling with the practice or simply wanting to live in defiance of overly pious parents. Millennials are just the perfect age for the obsession.

While I think, everything outlined above does hold to be true and accurate in some way shape or form for some of the outlined age demographics it cannot be the whole picture for all, including our young Millennial friends. A reality David was ready and aptly pointed out to me. Were it not for David I likely would not have given the topic a second thought. I waved my arms, I said things that made sense and that was the end of it.

Fortunately, that is not the case and David pushed me to think more deeply on the matter. His pushing, in fact, resulted in the festering of the question, "why are Millennial's so obsessed."

What follows, I'm sure will be yet another incomplete understanding of a massive grouping of people, complete with arms waving and all, but is the second conclusion I have come to with regard to this question.

In part, there is a millennial obsession with Lent because there is a millennial obsession with authenticity. Not only are Millennial's committed to authentically living their own lives as their own authentic selves there is a further commitment/expectation by/from Millennial's that institutions, be it corporations, communities, or even the Catholic Church, be authentic as well.

Specifically, during this Lenten season, I think there is a desire among millennial's to see the Catholic Church be authentically herself in apologizing, in asking for forgiveness, for repentance, and for profound humility.

Not only are Millennials looking forward to and obsessed with Lent for their own Lenten practices and experiences but for the Church's as well. Perhaps you've noticed this apparent obsession and wondered why. Hopefully, these insights are worth pondering as you continue to wrestle with this question as I am sure I will as well. Arm waving complete.

Peace and Blessings Always
~M

Remembering to Listen

Music. I can't read it. I can't play it. I'm told not only can I not sing it but that I have no pitch. Nevertheless, I understand it. It speaks to me.

From the stirring sensation of a Latin chant (Listen here) to the tear-jerking opening to the movie Up (Listen here) music speaks to my soul.

It inspires me, it consoles me, and it is there for me when I need it most. When I cannot put to words my own thoughts or feelings music is there. When I need the motivation to keep working on a paper, reading an article, getting from point a to point b, having fun with friends and remembering fond times, music is there. From moments of great joy to moments of great consolation and everything in between music has the answer. All we have to do is sit and remember to listen. 

A Place to Call Home

I think it is important to start this by stating the obvious. The Church has failed. Beyond that, the Church has truly been reprehensible. This blog is by no means an attempt to argue otherwise. This is not a time to defend the Church or call people's attention to the good that the Church has done and does do. This is a time to point out that the Church has failed in ways that are beyond my imagining. I've read the accounts of survivors of the Churches atrocities. I've spent countless hours reading them, I've spent countless hours thinking about them. I've lost sleep. And yet still I stay.

This blog is a reflection on the question of how I could possibly stay a part of an organization that has done so much evil all while claiming to be an institution not only for good but for salvation? This is not the first time I've asked myself this question and I am certain it won't be the last time I find myself asking it in the years or even weeks to come.

Ever since August, this question has been scratching away at the back of my mind. If you read my last post from September I think you can see this question present there. I'd love nothing more than to be able to say that I stay in the Church because of the Eucharist. I'd love to be able to say that participation in this most awe-inspiring Sacrament that the reception of the Body and Blood of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is the reason I stay in the Church. However, the simple reality is that this is not the sole reason for my staying. It's never going to be the answer that first comes to mind in a most satisfying way. Similarly, I'd like to say that it is the long and rich history that the Church has that keeps me as a part of the institution. Again this is not the case. Please don't read this the wrong way. These are both deeply important to me and occupy a place of importance in my life. Yet they are not enough.

These things that in the face of sexual abuse become seemingly trivial are not the reason I remain Catholic.

So the question that remains is what is the reason I stay Catholic. Is it simply the fact that I've been Catholic my whole life and I'm not willing, courageous, or brazen enough to leave? Is it because I spent six years earning two degrees in the field of theology that I stay? Very happily I'm glad to say these are not the reasons. So what is it?

What could possibly convince me to stay, not only a part but a fairly active and involved part of this institution that has given hundreds of thousands of peoples more reasons than necessary to leave and not just leave, but deeply and passionately, hate the Church? Reasons that I might point out are completely sound and valid.

So what the fuck am I doing? How can I willingly participate in an institution that has failed so miserably it has done the exact opposite of what it was intended and professes to do?

The answer to this has not been easy to come by. At least the simple and feeble attempt at articulating the reason in a concise and authentic way was not something that I could simply logic out.

One of the first glimpses of hope in being able to articulate my answer was found when reading Pope Francis's book The Name of God is Mercy specifically the following passage, "The Church does not exist to condemn people but to bring about an encounter with the visceral love of God's mercy. I often say that in order for this to happen, it is necessary to go out: to go out from the church and the parishes, to go outside and look for people where they live, where they suffer, and where they hope" (52). The last part of this is what spoke to me the most. Where they live, suffer, and hope. As I read this I thought aloud to myself. These are things we do where we are most comfortable, and sometimes that means we do them within the church as well as outside the church.

The second bit of inspiration that helped me in begging to write this blog was remembering a song I'd not listened to in ages. While I cannot remember exactly what it was, there was a moment today where I heard something and it made me think of the song Homeward Bound (Listen Here). This isn't the popular Simon and Garfunkel song, but I assure you I think it is well worth your time to listen.

Now for whatever reason, this song speaks to me, I truly do just love it. From the lyrics to the calm feeling that rushes over me when I hear it I like the song. As I thought about that I realized how odd it may be to others that I like this song. Specifically, I thought about how there are those who would ridicule me for liking the song. That is the thought that led to the simplest, dumbest, yet most profound answer I've come to grips with as to why I stay.

When I have most needed it, the Church has been a place for me to call home. It has been a place that has not judged me for liking the odd music I like. It has not judged me for the way that I articulate things including my repeated use of articulate. As a part of the Church, I have never had to defend myself.

Now as a straight, white, cisgender male this is perhaps one of the most privileged statements I could make. And I know my recognizing that is only a first step. But I also know that the Church has not been a place to call home for many people. However, it is my hope that by staying, by remaining a part of this broken institution that has failed in so many ways I might be able to make the necessary changes within the Church to ensure that moving forward it is a place to call home for those who have been marginalized (including those who have previously been marginalized by the Church).

This may be selfish, this may be shallow, it may even be arrogant, but for now, it is the only way I can make sense of why I am willing to stay. I know this really might not answer the root question, it may not be a sufficient enough answer, but for now, it's what I'm able to articulate about my experience and how I feel in this moment while listening to Homeward Bound for the hundredth time today.


Peace and Blessings Always
~M